2023 was a crazy year for me so to speak. I decided to start my business but within a few months I had fallen out of love with it and made a shift. I realized I needed to do more of an exploration into myself and reconnect to Business Grace. I had to reignite my passion. That was slightly scary because I strive to be someone always in control of herself and her choices. I have learned that surrendering and allowing God/Goddess/Spirit to order my steps is a much better option but as humans we have free will. Also, old habits die hard so even now and then I step back into my control freak mode. I was pushing myself to be something and commit to something I wasn't ready for.
In working with my mentor Kim Warner, I had learned so much about my natal chart, transiting chart and how all of what I need is within me. Funny to think we are born with all the tools we need if we just step back and analyze ourselves on a deeper level. Not even deeper more of a higher level if you will. Early on in this self and spiritual discovery journey I have been on, Ms. Kim told me that I have Venus and Mars in the same house and in the same energy. Now for those of you who are not well versed in this topic, it means that I have androgynous energy sitting together. This makes me independent and I am able to be both masculine and feminine. At first, I am like what the hell does this mean? Which I am sure you might be sitting there thinking the same. It is only recently that I am starting to notice this in my life. If I am honest it is very weird for me. I am trying to welcome it in however I am seeing where it can be a very negative trait if I do not use the energy of both to balance myself.
Masculine energy can be a lot to take in. My Mars energy is in Leo. If you have a Leo in or around your life you know they can be selfish and self centered. They can also be stubborn, hardheaded but also love the spotlight. Pairing Leo with Mars which can be described as an unstoppable force.... lets just say it can be a lot to deal with. Mars is also the self starter energy. Another way to think of it is Mars rules Aries. Aries is the God of War. Pairing an unstoppable force with a stubborn selfish energy - whew chile....thats a lot right there. Being that I am the youngest of three girls, I am frequently labeled a spoiled brat. Welp that Mars in Leo energy plays right into that however now that I am older, I see how I use this energy in such a positive way. While I am very headstrong and independent, I am also a self starter. I literally decided on a Sunday one day to make my website and completed it before the end of the day. When I want to do something, I research and get it done. I love that about me but it is also difficult to tame this part of me in relationships. It is in all relationships. I rarely ask for help. I will push myself to the point of exhaustion to accomplish things. None of which is healthy but I am a work in progress.
Now I also have my Venus in Leo. Venus describes how we love and our desires. I love selfishly and prefer the spotlight to be on me. Reflecting on that has been very interesting. Looking back on my intimate relationships, I was honestly a hot mess. I was super independent but I was also dependent. I wanted my partner to love on me and be slightly obsessed with me but only when I wanted it. That's not how relationships work. That's not how partnerships work. I also wanted what I wanted when I wanted it. This also applied to possessions as well as achievements. I can see where I developed codependency on people, places and things in my life for "good feelings" and to help me out of dark moments despite what other people might have been experiencing. I was stuck (so to speak) on what I wanted. While this is fine, it is not who I am called to be as a loving nurturing and giving person but it was also bringing to my attention that I had to give to myself what I so freely gave to others.
Walking the journey has been so enlightening. After really reflecting on this, I am intimidating and can be emasculating but those are parts of me. To know me and like truly know me is to know that I am none of those things at my core. I am a weird, nerdy, fun loving, silly person who isn't afraid to take up all the space in the room that I require.
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