I heard people talk about depression and what it was like for them, but I couldn't relate. I felt sadness but not deep sadness like other people expressed during their depressive episodes. I knew I experienced baby blues. It was normal. I did research about it. After having my little girl (who really isn't little anymore), I realized how different my life was. I put her first. She was and still is a big motivation for me as well as a huge driving force behind why I started this self-exploration journey. I was told "If I am not good for me, I am no good for her". Well, I was depressed for 5 years. I was a functional depressed person.
I didn't know at the time but looking back, I was doing my best. It was like I was in the deep end of a pool and doing my best to keep my head above water. My daughter was a little over 1 when I lost my father. So much of who I am I find in my family. I am able to ground myself in who I am by who they are. Losing my father put me in a place where I really lost a huge part of me. He's always been the person I could do a quick check in with to make sure I was being logical. If it isn't obvious yet, I tend to be more emotional. As a Cancer which is a water sign, I lean into emotions. It is my default. My father was a Capricorn which is my polar opposite. He was my logical side that I could go to in highly emotional situations. After his passing, reality kicked in that aside from not having him present for my accomplishments moving forward in my life, I also wouldn't have him as like a guiding light.
I felt empty. I didn't recognize myself. I didn't feel like myself. I also did not think I had the luxury of true grief. Even typing that sentence and using the word luxury for something that is very natural is shocking to me. Grief and crying are not a luxury. It is something that is necessary to release what is inside. I felt like I could not break down because I had to be a good mom, I had to be there for my mom, I had to be there for my sisters. Looking back now, I needed to break and let it all out, but it was almost like I refused it. Man did so many of my relationships suffer because of this depression. Apologies do not really mean much when you break people down and make them feel as though there is nothing, they can do right but I do apologize for how I contributed to that outcome if this applies to you. I was walking through something that I couldn't see a way out of. I didn't know who I was, but I knew something I was going to become something new.
I did my best to look the part of someone who had it altogether. When I see pictures of myself from that time, I see in my eyes how so much of it was just a facade. I wanted to look the part but inside I felt like a stranger to myself. I was going through the motions but never deeply connecting with myself. Five years later I finally came to. I realized that there had been so much pain behind my eyes and my smile. I took off the mask and started to feel my feelings.
Depression won for 5 years. I know sometimes it still tries to creep in, but I refuse it.
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