Never thought I'd be here

As a little girl I watched my parents and my friends' parents. I noticed differences in family dynamics but none of it mattered to me in a major way. One thing I learned early on through my family was love. No matter what we love each other through every phase.

As I got older, I came into the understanding that how my family was wasn't the norm. We were some weird exception. Broken homes and broken families were more common around me. Still, I didn't understand how any of this would play a major role in my adult life or as I developed my own relationships whether they were intimate or just friendship based. One thing I did understand was that the people I was around and chose to have in my life were very (and still are) personal to me. I held them in my heart.

Life has a way of taking you into your heart (as my mentor Kim Warner would say) and kind of breaking you down. I had boyfriends, break ups, friendships, friendship break ups and many other relationship trials. As I am writing this I have had about 5 hours of sleep after an extremely emotional day. At 20 I got a boyfriend. At 24 I got pregnant which I thought would never happen after my abortion. I was terrified to become a mom.

I watched my mother sacrifice for me and provide for me. I am a spoiled brat so it was no easy task. My dad was also very present in my life. They both navigated marriage and parenting in a way that I thought was flawless. Looking back now, I know it was not easy and I see that they did struggle but did their best to keep me removed from it. I also had the luxury of having emotional intelligent parents to some degree. We talked out my punishment. I was made to be accountable for my actions. With these examples, I really wasn't sure I would live up to that standard. But here I was 24 and pregnant. I knew I would do everything I could to provide her a full life. I would protect her and sacrifice as I saw my mother do.

I quickly learned that sacrificing my mental, emotional, spiritual and even sometimes physical health for her betterment wasn't smart. Her father stepped into the roll of provider and we were aligning with the roles society dictated for us. Men provide and women nurture. I can say now that it wasn't really working but that was 10 years ago. I didn't know that was the case then. At 30 we got married. At almost 31 we were separated. We had grown so far apart that even in our marriage we were simply roommates that shared a child.

If you know me in any real capacity I am extremely hard on myself. I push and push and push myself to be better. I even now struggle with allowing myself to just rest and recognize my accomplishments. So when my marriage fell apart I took it personal. I failed. I failed myself, my parents (even though my father had transitioned at this point), my daughter. I was a failure because I couldn't make it work. I wasn't alone in the relationship but it was my job to make it work.

I never thought I would fail. I knew marriage was work. I didn't know how much but I started to realize that most of the work is within you. You have to know yourself and at 30 I didn't know myself. At 24 when I became a mother, I had no idea who I was. Between the ages of 31 and 35 I was already on my spiritual journey and being coached by my mentor. I was finally getting to know myself. It was scary. It was exciting. It was exhausting. I journaled, meditated, prayed, spent time with myself and finally could identify the woman I was without the qualifiers I had attained. I was more than a daughter, sister, friend, girlfriend, wife. I was me. I saw me.

I mentioned in the blog about my dad dying that I lost a huge sense of myself and that was a difficult time. With my father transitioning I was becoming someone new. Someone who probably always existed but I didn't know how to identify her. This was the time when my relationship with my boyfriend (now husband) went completely downhill and yet we still got married. Probably not the best situation and looking back I definitely needed some therapy or something.

Sometimes people do not grow up together in relationships. Sometimes they grow separately. Sometimes they grow apart. Sometimes they do not grow at all. I think I have gone through every phase in this marriage. We are still married today. I look at the course of this relationship we've gone through, and I do not think we are a match based on who we are today. We thought love would be enough and that's just a starting point. Everything takes work. Sometimes the work is easy and other times it isn't.

Walking through what felt like hell to me when this marriage failed showed me who I was and what I would become capable of. I got back to my roots of love. My parents, my family, my true friends taught me what love is. Love isn't something active you have to do. It's a manner in which you operate. When you love yourself it's so much easier to see love all around you and to understand it. Love isn't enabling. Love isn't always easy. Sometimes love is letting go.

I'm ready to let go. I let go of all the pressure I put on myself to be perfect. I let go of the unrealistic standards people place on me. I let go of trying to be someone who I am not. I let go of conditional love. I strive to love people unconditionally. I want to love people for free.

I never thought I would be writing a blog and openly admitting about my failed marriage. We looked like the perfect match and in truth that man will always be someone important in my life. We have the most amazing child. We've walked through some very difficult moments together. I wouldn't do anything any different. Finding me was worth all of it.