I thought about a lot of different places to start and in truth there were a lot. I decided to begin with probably one of the most important relationships I was ever in. We all have read those memes that say you get 3 loves of in your life. The first love is usually puppy love but when I started to think about it, I really think I loved him. Like deeply loved him.
Let's go back to 2004. I was a freshman in high school. I don't remember how we actually met. We would sit on the phone for hours and hours just talking. I was the typical good girl who went to school, got good grades and did everything expected of me. He was just enough of a bad boy for me. I would sit on the phone and just listen to all his mess. I think it was the first time I was learning how to be the supportive one in the relationships. I was always there for my friends. That was a no brainer for me but having a boyfriend was different. The mere fact that I even had a boyfriend was against the rules my parents had but yet I kept it a secret. I think back on that time as me being a rebel. Typical teenage stuff. I can say it was love over infatuation because one of those things goes away after some time. I wanted to see him and just be with him. I made sure to be home when he called or call him when he wanted me to. I see now I was putting his wants and needs first but I thought this is what you did in relationships. He was my first real boyfriend. He was someone I wanted to please. I think I was coming mimicking everything I saw on TV shows about what girlfriends were supposed to do. I also liked the reaction I would get from him.
His best friend hated me. Later on, I found out it was for 2 different reasons. 1. I was always taking up his time and he was very focused on me. 2. The best friend had a crush on me. It was very weird.
The relationship ended because my parents found out I had a boyfriend. I had to make a choice and I was the good girl right? So I ended the relationship but by then it was too late. I was already in love with him and was experiencing my first heartbreak. I cried real tears. Brandy: Brokenhearted might have been on repeat. I learned a lesson very quickly, boys/men move on much faster. He had another girl in no time and that killed me. I remember thinking to myself, he couldn't have loved me or liked me that much. He couldn't have really wanted to me with me if he is already moving on.
Looking back on that now, I want to tell my 14 year old self that I would get through it but there would be more to this in the years to come. I would tell her that her worth isn't wrapped up in some guy and how he treats you but I think only recently have I come to understand that this was a struggle I was going to continue to have. It started here. My self-worth and self-image was conditioned into what I thought relationships should look like. I didn't even get to heal this until 2022. I went back to him. I found love with him again but I was different or so I thought.
This relationship trauma for me started in my teenage years which are such formative years as a young woman. I didn't see it until now or make the connection that it would affect my confidence in creating a business.
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