When I decided to transition Business Grace into a blog, I honestly didn't know where it was going to go or what was going to come out. I have just let Spirit/God/Goddess lead me. Traumas are real and they show up in your life in unexpected ways. If you read my first two entries, I discussed my first love/heartbreak and the fear of losing my father when he was first diagnosed with colon cancer. I didn't give a lot of details on some things because truthfully there are some things that I forget but also because I am not going to name names. This blog isn't a place for me to expose other people, I have to expose myself.
The fear of losing my father permeated throughout my life from that first moment. It actually affected the way I handled loss in general. Loss isn't just about death. It was with friendships and relationships. I struggle with losing people primarily because of how attached I get to them. My father is someone who is super important and close to me. His disease was a threat to having in my life and that threat was going to change my life in a very serious way. As a society we already very codependent because we are conditioned to be this way. My codependency was reaffirmed and almost cemented due to this threat. Who would I be without my dad? Who would I consult about certain situations if he isn't around? My identity was very much wrapped up in my family and especially in my parents. Codependency even shaped the issues that surfaced in the relationship with my first love. I had never made this connection previously. I actually couldn't understand why I struggled with codependency until I started writing this.
Another conclusion I came into was my self-worth and self-esteem was hugely impacted by my relationship with my first love. It wasn't anything he did directly because he is and has always been someone very special and important to me. As my first real relationship, he taught me how I was supposed to operate as a girlfriend. I am a natural giver as a Cancer. I nurture and love the people I am in relationship with. Not just intimate relationships but also my friendships and familial relationships. I gave and put his needs first. I learned that my worth in relationships was very much tied to what I would do for someone else. Since not long after our breakup, he moved on, my self-esteem was in the trash. My mind rationalized that I wasn't good enough and I didn't mean much to him. I didn't outwardly act as though I had low self-esteem. I kept smiling and being as confident as possible but deep down I was suffering. Being completely honest, I still struggle with my self-esteem and self-worth. I have been working on it but I believe something we can all agree on is that we are our own worst enemy and toughest critic.
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