We all make mistakes and learn lessons. I've had to revisit situations that I thought I worked out and healed from. Healing isn't linear. Even if at one point I had healed, as I grew new things came to me. I saw situations with new eyes. In 2008, I was with someone who I thought was the love of my life. I thought we would spend our lives together and make beautiful memories, but things changed. He was in his senior year of high school, and I was in my first year of college. I was making mistakes and being grown. We were having unprotected sex and I bet you can see where this is going.
BOOM! My period was late. I took a test but was in denial. I decided to go to the doctor to have yet another test done. He came with me and the doctor walked in looking at me. She asked if he was able to remain in the room. She needed the consent because if he wasn't the father, this was going to be very awkward. I agreed and she said the words "You are pregnant." I remember my eyes filling with tears and being in somewhat disbelief that this was my reality. I remember his words because of how bad they hurt me. "You can't be. I have to go away to college." My heart was broken. How could someone who claimed to love me and want a life with me, say something like that. Little did I know, it could get worse and that it would.
I had to tell my mother but did not have the courage to tell my father. I didn't want to disappoint him. My mother was very supportive and in my corner. I was 18 years old and she said to me you have two options; you can abort or you can have a baby. I didn't know the answer right away. What I did know was that I was living at home, in college and had to take a semester off. I was not working yet and knew I was barely able to care for myself let alone another life. I quickly understood this child would be my responsibility and I knew I wasn't ready. I went to my mom with my decision and had to find a place to go to. My mother and grandmother worked with me and helped me keep the secret about all of this from my father. I am not sure I ever thanked either of them for stepping in and assisting me with something so serious.
I had been looking for a DVD of my pictures that was created by my uncle and aunt for me. I wanted to show my daughter pictures of me when I was younger since she's never seen any of them. I also wanted to revisit some of the memories. One of the pictures was taken after my abortion while I was still "dating" him. I looked at myself in that picture and everything came rushing back to me. I had also recently spoken to a family member who was making the choice to terminate a pregnancy and I was triggered by it in the most serious way. I recognized that I never gave myself the time to heal emotionally from what that did to me. I never mourned the loss. Though I chose to do end my child's life, it was still a loss. When I saw my photo, I could see in my eyes I was so broken down. The joy I portrayed was fake. I was pretending for everyone because I had to. Or I thought I had to.
Dear 18 year old me,
I am so sorry for what I put you through. I apologize for not giving you the time to deal with the reality of your situation. I taught you in this moment to push down your feelings and put them into what I would describe now as distractions. I did not honor you. I did not allow you to feel your real feelings. You had to sign your ultrasound. You had to go through this without the support of the person who helped you create this life. As you sat in that clinic and looked around at the other girls sitting with their partners, you felt the loneliness. You had every right to cry and be hurt but instead you got angry. Your anger became a driving force for you. You barely loved yourself in the years after. I apologize to you for not acknowledging you sooner. You should have walked away from him and been able to be alone. Instead, you stayed with someone who didn't value you in that moment. You made decisions after that which taught you how to lie. How to hide behind a mask that you felt like there was no other option. I see you. I give you all the space you need to release this. We don't have to be that girl anymore. Our truth is more powerful than the lie we made to survive. It is time to live and not just survive.
Sincerely,
Me who is finally setting you free
I kept her locked up inside me because I knew when I would need to access her, but the truth is, I never grew past that. I only grew around it. There was a fear and determination in me to never be that vulnerable again with someone. I kept that broken girl as a reminder but also as a foundation for the walls I had to put up to protect who I was before she had to be made. I have to forgive myself which is a task within itself. I have to stop surviving the experiences and actually live in them. I am learning to love myself which means I have to look at the ugly parts of me and release the experiences that created them. It is the most uncomfortable thing to do but so necessary. I recently told someone you have to push through the ugly parts or you will never see the beauty within them. With my new eyes I am seeing the lotus that grew from all the shit around.
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